Sentimental Bollocks

There are some lovely people around. A few of them in particular like to send me heartwarming e-mails about guardian angels and how friendship is forever. I should pass these on to at least ten other people, so as not to break the chain apparently.

So I've set up a special folder in my almost infinitely large gmail mailbox.

It's a bit like my spam folder, but the contents are much more sugary.

Just in case you're unfortunate enough not to have any such mail yourself, I enclose one below...

From: Dxxxxxxxxx@aol.com
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:31:24 -0500
Subject: Fwd: FW: Read ASAP-Let me know tomorrow
To: Pingupowerxxxxxxxxx@aol.com

Gail

--Forwarded Message Attachment--
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:07:50 +0000
From: joan.xxxxxxxxxx@tesco.net
To: valerie.xxxxxxxxx@sky.com; daisychainxxxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com; poodlexxxxxxxxxxx@talktalk.net; joan@joantaylorxxxxxxxxx.wanadoo.co.uk
Subject: FW: Read ASAP-Let me know tomorrow

-------Original Message------- From: Joan Date: 11/11/2009 22:06:33 To: Val Gail gwen joan Subject: FW: Read ASAP-Let me know tomorrow Fingers crossed for you all Let me know what happens to you the morning after you open this e-mail. This is an unusual one. It actually gives you a time tomorrow.. Let's see if it works. GUARDIAN ANGEL Forward this message the same day you received it. It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 11:09 AM somebody will address you and tell you some thing you have been waiting to hear. Please do not break this. Send it to at least 7 of your friends! So, there you go. I've forwarded this to my blog, which gets several readers each day, from places as diverse as Ethiopia and Guernsey. I will let the world know, through this very blog, if anything happened.

A whole lotta allotment!

Well we've been on the waiting list for a while. We even got a close relative to put their name down. And in the end it was their name that got drawn out of the hat first. We have a long skinny piece of land to call our own, sort of, and upon which we can grow tomatoes and asparagus and thyme and gherkins and apple trees and dandelions and flax and aubergines and kale. It needs a bit of work as the photos below show, but that's kind of the point isn't it? To take something that is nothing and turn it into something that is something that will feed us and give us something to do with our hands and minds that is productive and that connects us to the Earth.

So here's how it looks on Google Earth... A whole load of allotments. Some tidy. Some wild.



And here's how ours looks in the flesh.

From the far end looking back towards the entrance...



And from the entrance looking in...

Ah, the joy of it. There's so much to do! The sheds need sorting out because they're not properly secure right now. The greenhouse has no glass. The top, or far end, is a sea of grass and, particularly near the fence, nettles. I'm afraid Brenda is going to have to deal with them. I could legitimately be on an episode of The Panic Room when it comes to Urtica dioica

The Whole Damn alphabet?

,,,,,,
o#'9MMHb':'-,o,
.oH":HH$' "' ' -*R&o,
dMMM*""'`' .oM"HM?.
,MMM' "HLbd< ?&H\
.:MH ."\ ` MM MM&b
. "*H - &MMMMMMMMMH:
. dboo MMMMMMMMMMMM.
. dMMMMMMb *MMMMMMMMMP.
. MMMMMMMP *MMMMMP .
`#MMMMM MM6P ,
' `MMMP" HM*`,
' :MM .- ,
'. `#?.. . ..'
-. . .-
''-.oo,oo.-''

Well there you go... ascii art doesn't work on this blog...

It should have looked like this

Three weeks pass like nothing in the life of yours truly...

So much to write about and mainly I can't be bothered getting down to the nitty-gritty of actually writing about it properly.

Here's some:

Givvies! Lots of them, including one right at the top of my own street! Why had I never noticed it before? I must have walked past it a thousand times!

Existentialism! I seem to be spending a lot of my time banging my head against infinity and eternity right now. Not comfortable thoughts. I fear I may go insane as I get older. Seriously.

Patterns of behaviour on discussion boards! Just had a typical experience while arguing my case. I'm a toady apparently. Because I pointed something out in someone elses defense. I was called this by someone who jumped in on behalf of another person.

Oh the irony... They succeeded in stopping the person I'd asked from having to bother thinking though, so we can all go on as if nothing matters.

Driving instruction! Liz is a poo! And so is Emma! And Kev!

Really, You don't want to know. Or maybe you do.

Clocks! From Thailand no less! I want a clock with Thai numerals. I have a mate over there who is looking for one for me.

Here are the Thai numerals from 0 to 9...

๐ ๑ ๒ ๓ ๔ ๕ ๖ ๗ ๘ ๙

Self important prick

Grrr! Give this man a poke in the eye with a shitty stick from me please.

There's someone watching me...

I put a counter on this blog this evening.

In the last 4 or 5 hours, 4 or 5 people have taken a peep in here. Hello to you!

I suppose I should write something of importance then.

My sister is getting married tomorrow (later today)

I will post about that, complete with google earth pictures.

Also, I went to Lake Vyrnwy yesterday (now the day before yesterday) and that was cool too. Ditto the pics.

Vibes!

My good wife and I enjoy a satisfying and experimental sex life. Not for us the dull routine of vanilla missionary intercourse.

And I found out something last night that I never knew before!

If you use the right kind of vibrator, on the right part of a male, it does what it does for women, but to a man.

In my case, the right kind was a powerful mains hitachi.


The right part of me was between the glans and the frenulum. The right amount of pressure was important too. Too light or too heavy a touch and the vibration wasn't transmitted in the right way.

But when it was right, oh boy! was it right!

shit day

I had a driving test today. Unfortunately it didn't happen because my brake lights weren't working. So I feel like a worm for letting my poor pupil down. It's cost me well... £57 for the time I couldn't charge her for today, £62 for her new test date, and another £57 for the lessons I've had to cancel today to get this sorted out. And about £10 for 2 new bulbs. What's that? About £176?

Plus, yesterday I spent £20 getting the car valeted. I thought I'd treat it and myself to a nice valet.

The reason the lights weren't working was because the wiring had become loose and the 2 side bulbs had blown. And it's only happened after someone's been poking around in the footwell with vacuum cleaner.

And I can't even prove they fucked up my wiring.

This afternoon has been spent cancelling lessons, visiting garages, sitting on hold while phoning the driving test people, and getting hot and bothered.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

totallywebdesign

spammers. ate my children. totallywebdesign. morons.

totallywebdesign. we design spam for your inbox

I feel better now.

I'm not the only one you know...

http://www.mapofstrange.com/

Flight simulating - just got a lot geekier!

I went and got myself Microsoft's Flight Simulator, the 2004 edition. So far I've just been getting to grips with it, but I just did my first landing. If you've read this blog, you'll know that I spent quite a lot of time taking off from Manchester, and trying to land at Liverpool.

Only natural then that I should do the same sort of thing with this. In fact the program had me taking off from Liverpool, eastbound, so going to Manchester seemed like the simplest thing to do.

I passed it on my right, then circled round and came in at about 90 degrees to where I thought the runway should have been. So I had to circle back again. I came in at a bit of an angle, but landed really smoothly. Inevitably, I slewed off the runway because I was using the differential brakes, but if I'd been doing it for real, I'd have probably survived.

I didn't take any screenshots at the time, but I sort of took off again and tried to land. This time I crashed, but this is what it looks like...



Circling around...




Approaching the runway...

Anyway. How's this for a hard luck story?

I got everything right. It was just spot-on. I passed Runcorn bridge and had a perfect glide path into Liverpool. Dead centre. Nose lifted slightly as I touched down and....

I crashed.

I'd forgotten to put the undercarriage back down.

Lyrics...

Being a tiger means you laugh

when other, lesser tigers have

to eat meat that's infected



Being a tiger means your mate

When overfed will defaecate

in places least expected.

Marvellous :)

They're just crazy about chess in Lommel, Belgium.

Flying High!

Starting from Sea Level, I've been trying to go as high as I can in the flight simulator.

My record?

Well see for yourself...



This was my first attempt. Just over 60,200 feet above sea level. But I got better.



62650...

And better...



65,750.

And better...



Just over 72,400 feet! On a cloudless day you can see for miles.

I'm sure I can get higher still.

Gah.

Brown appalled by bank bonuses

Well legislate against it then you fucking tit.

Who goes? You decide!

Well really you don't decide at all, but you can vote if you like.

Last season, Ronnie Moore's super white army came within a whisker of a place in the first division play-offs.

Then, inexplicably, over the summer, he was shown the door. Tranmere then appointed John Barnes - someone with little experience and a poor track record in club football management.

Poor old Barnesy looks totally out of his depth. I feel sorry for him really. I wonder how long he will last.

Christmas????

Well time will tell I suppose.

Rumour has it that Old Ronnie was found to have had his hand in the till. Just rumour of course. His sacking made no sense whatsoever in footballing terms.

6 days, 2 meals, 1 walk, 5 bare appendages...

Still not smoking. Only occasionally do certain triggers make me think of them. One thing is a meal.

Today I went for a walk with my missus. We parked near Irby quarry, hoping to walk along the top of it, but there were too many nettles and brambles in the way.

Instead we ended up climbing Thor's Stone is Thurstaston.



It was like we were the only people for miles around. The sun was shining - A beautiful afternoon!

So Bren got her tits out.

You Wuss, I said. Why don't you take all your clothes off.

But she wouldn't.

You take all your clothes off

she said,

so I did. My body was shockingly white in the warm late summer sunshine, but I stood atop the rock, with nary a stitch on, while she took photographs.

I can show you this one, coz all it shows is my bum.



After this we walked to the local pub and had lunch before retracing our steps.

At one point, we went through a field with bullocks in it. One of them tried to eat us.



Seriously, that bullock was a bit scary. It seemed to feel quite threatened, particularly by me, and when my arm ended up in it's mouth, there was more to it than just friendly curiosity.

Who?

Just testing something...

Erm... 3? 4 days?

Ah something like. Still getting the odd little craving, but really, it's been relatively easy. Here's some of the things I haven't done this time round:

• Set a date in the near future to pack up
• Bought and ate loads of snacky food (healthy stuff like celery, or unhealthy stuff like crisps)
• Smoked pot instead
• Chewed gum
• Obsessed on mindless computer games for a few days while I got over the worst bits

I can see how hypnotherapy works. I'm thinking of learning how to do it, although it will cost me about £1400 to get the training. It would complement what I already do, provide a bit more variety to my job, and potentially give me a second source of income. As I said in my last post, I don't think I'm a good subject for hypnosis. I found too many tiny things distracting. But I do understand how it works, and I think I could do it very effectively.

If you can't wait for me to get trained up, and want to use hypnotherapy to stop smoking, here's the one I used.

Day 1.5...

Well, I don't think I was all that hypnotised, but what went on consciously did help. It's all in the mind you know.

I have had some cravings today, but I'm trying to use the right language. It's supposed to be easy this way. Last time I had a cigarette was about 3.30pm yesterday. So tomorrow afternoon will be day 3. Or something. It's not been that hard, and it should get easier.

I've stopped smoking

I went to see a hypnotherapist today.

I'm now a non-smoker. I'm going to bed now. When I wake up I won't want or need a cigarette.

Hooray.

Special K

Nowt that special really. But have found a different and slightly better "K".

Been a while since I posted one of these.

It's a bunker on a golf course in a desert.


There's also an F...

and a U...

And a C...

And a moose, and a dog, and a snake wearing lipstick.

And a W and a Y.

May post more pics at some point but...

Me 'n Andy

This is me standing on the shoulders of Andy Proffitt, who's now a social worker in Plymouth. Or Torquay. He's a top bloke. Even if he is on the bottom. The photo is dated as 1994. 15 years ago. I was 26 years old.

It's taken in a field in Neston, South Wirral.

a tune wot i wrote

http://www.freewebs.com/thewholedamnworld/PMM.wav

Givvies

When I was a kid, if I didn't know the name of something, I would give it a name of my own devising.

How many 5 or 6 year olds know that the pointy bits on a fork are called tines, for example? I didn't. So I called them "yay-yays". Probably onomatopoeic in origin. The word's repetition relates to the shape of the object.

How many people of any age would have a word for these things though?

_____________________________________________




This is one near Thingwall, in central Wirral.





And this one stands proud just outside Bebington Station, also in Wirral.
_____________________________________________

I think they are old ventilation chimneys for the sewers or drains. They're generally ornamented more than a purely utilitarian approach would allow, with their fluted columns and splayed tops. You don't see that many of them around, but there are a few knocking about.

Anyway, since there doesn't seem to be a definitive noun attached to these things, I propose that they be called Givvies. I've been calling them that for 35 years now, and so do most of the rest of my immediate family.

If anyone reads this and knows the locations of other Givvies (singular: Givvy) feel free to let me know.

So what's with all the aeroplane stuff then?

I hate flying!

Last time I flew was about 5 and a half years ago, when I flew back from my honeymoon in Amsterdam. As we travelled 30,000 feet above Eastern England, I was conscious all the time of the yawning gulf of thin air just a couple of feet beneath my feet.

But you know how children develop an obsessive, almost autistic focus on things, whether it be football or dinosaurs or whatever? Well I was into aeroplanes. I'd build airfix models. Buy the observer's book every year. Look up to the sky whenever I heard the whine of a turboprop. (usually a Vickers Viscount on it's final approach into Liverpool) That kind of stuff. My drawings were full of them. I even sent a design off to British Aerospace when I was about 12 or 13. They gave me a guided tour of their Broughton factory and told me I could have a job with them if I got the right qualifications. And I got to see Concorde land at Liverpool Airport from one of their satellite control centres, courtesy of a friend's older brother who was an air traffic controller.

Ian, if you happen to read this, thank you! I've never forgotten this.

Anyway, ecologically speaking, I think that flying is bad news. I will never fly again as a matter of principle. Least I can do given that I have one of the worst jobs you could get in terms of saving the planet.

Still, I still find the whole thing awe inspiring, and doing this stuff on GE comes easily. I can take a close look at airports, fly from one to another, develop my skills and understanding, and since I'm using my computer anyway, this is at a zero carbon cost.

What not to like?

Being really boring...

Here it is! In glorious technicolor!

A short haul flight from Manchester to Liverpool, complete with near perfect landing.

Takes about 10 minutes...




Good to see that works. I've also uploaded it onto youtube. I wonder if I can link/embed from there?



Marvellous! And it also gives the option of full screen!

Maybe this time...

Well, I've spent days trying to create and upload video of the flight sim.

I got a program called Fraps which captured it simply enough, but then nothing could make it appear on blogger. Or google video. Or youtube.

So it's the format (probably)

After farting around trying all sorts of things that I couldn't really understand, I've managed to use windows movie maker to convert it from a .avi to a .wmv.

Here goes then. A very brief clip of zooming around somewhere over central England...




Well, looks like this one's worked! Now I can be REALLY boring!

The Red Arrows!

Look! There they go!

Britain's premier military formation aerobatics display team.

In a perfectly straight line, wingtips only inches apart, they zoom, just inches from the ground, at a combined speed of nearly 1 mile per hour.



And they deserve no less a setting than Blackpool International Airport. There's an old avro vulcan around there somewhere too.

I just flew from Blackpool International Airport to Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Came in along the Mersey, landed on the runway, skidded and bounced, before using the wheel brakes to put myself back on the runway. Silver medal but the passengers weren't happy.

Ghost riders in the sky

Once leader of Yugoslavia, General Josip Broz Tito died in 1980.

He had a retreat on the archipelago of Brijuni, on the Adriatic coast.

And that's where you can find this strange plane, and negative shadow, complete with negative contrails, which stretch back Westwards over the Adriatic.

So is Tito really dead? I think we have the makings of a conspiracy theory here. The plane is flown by a lizard, and is on route from Roswell to Narnia. The passenger list includes David Koresh, David Icke and Lee Harvey Oswald. Not that you'll find anyone that will admit this.